when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
