If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
