last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
