no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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