the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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