when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I looked at my own cervix.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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