i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
