i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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