Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
