I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
