My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
