for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
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Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
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On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just sucked dick on a ferry
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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