well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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