Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
