Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Are we still banned from the library?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
