If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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