when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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