Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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