so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
