I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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