Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
