there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
