When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
is wine microwaveable?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
