By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
