I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
