I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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