I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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