the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
