Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If I die, sorry about rent.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I have post one night stand depression
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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