Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
there is glitter all over my balls
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