There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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