We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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