it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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