My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Randomize
