I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
