we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Houston, we have a squirter
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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