I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
