Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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