I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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