I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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