My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
