Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
