My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
