Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
