we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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