This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
