you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
