Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
