peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
