Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
