I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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