it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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