I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
