It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
