I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
