Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
