I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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