He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
